i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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