I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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