1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
