Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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