i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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