If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My life is pants optional.
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