Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
