What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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