If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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