The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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