Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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