when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
