Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
