i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
