literally had 100 drinks last night.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
