you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
