Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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