And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
