i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
