Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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