If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
