Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
