you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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