I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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