Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
