So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
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And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
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I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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