i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
