i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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