If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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