If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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