It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
