I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
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I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
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If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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