I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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