Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
