I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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