My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
