Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
