watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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