He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
