Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
