dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Say something about gay babies.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
