What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
