That's when you crack a 10am beer
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
