Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
