you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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