Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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