I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
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I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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