so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
