i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
