He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
