after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
