my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
