my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
