I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
