yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
