At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
