i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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