I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize