So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
