They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
