so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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