My liver just broke up with me...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
