he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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