why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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