I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize